Signing up agrees to our terms of use. Every couple is a little different, but research tells us that there are some exceedingly common areas of conflict for married couples. In study after study, money and sex are the most common points of disagreement in marriage. The specifics may change but, broadly speaking, those are the marital minefields. The more you think about it, the more it makes sense. Money and sex famously breed a lot of secrecy, insecurity and fear. In both sex and money, past indiscretions can catch up with you in surprising ways, and irresponsibility can follow us even after we tie the knot.
The most obvious root of our trouble with sex and money is how much of it we keep locked up and hidden away. With money, this could look like hidden credit card debt, irresponsible spending habits or just a bad budget blunder. With sex, this could be a private addiction, an affair or just a friendship with a friend or co-worker that you know is growing dangerously flirtatious. Whatever the issue, your first step should absolutely be raw, uncompromising honesty. People regret lying every day, all the time.
Very few people have ever regretted telling the truth. The fact of the matter is that your house of cards will tumble, sooner or later. Secrets and lies are terribly fragileβyou can either break them yourself or wait for circumstance to do it for you. And on the other side of those conversations?
Sex is vulnerability, through and through. To have sex at all is to open yourself up to the possibility of embarrassment, shame and need. True confidence is found in sharing your real feelings about these things with your partner. With any difficult conversation, the easy way out is to judge. We do this with sex and money a lot. We assume women telling their stories of sexual harassment are just looking for attention or were asking for it somehow. The solution to this is empathyβtaking a step away from our own perspective and really listening to what our partners are saying.
This does not have to mean automatically agreeing with your partner. Empathy does not mean throwing your own opinions and convictions of the sacrificial altar of conflict avoidance. It just means that you reach for understanding instead of judgment. In fact, it might create more of it, in the short term. But it will make for healthier conflict, and that will build toward a lasting peace.
